on phentermine...

just thought i should say i was well aware of the risks associated with taking an amphetamine, and usually i'm not into taking scrips or OTC or any chemical body-fixers, really...

in a previous post i had even commented that i didn't think the risks of phentermine were worth it. and, well, i guess i've gotten desperate. desperate enough that i was willing to take that risk to lose the weight.

obesity is not just a physical illness, it's mentally draining. i feel judged, misunderstood, unwanted. i honestly think i've lost friends because of my weight. you say, "crappy friends." i say, "who wants to hang out with the fat chic?" i feel like i'm judged at face value a lot, unavoidably so. like people assume i eat burgers and chips and ice cream all day, and give me advice like "try eating more fruits and vegetables" or "brown rice is healthier than white rice", which is always well-intended, but carries behind it the assumption that i'm currently not eating fruits and vegetables or didn't know that gorging myself with sticky rice might be a bad thing. or how when people are doing a physical activity like hiking, biking, or whatever, we're usually not invited. and that makes sense to me; we don't look like the type of people that do that stuff ... but we do do that stuff. or like when my dr. said, "you use butter, right. try using olive oil instead of butter."

yah, thanks. i don't use butter...

i think the tipping point was last thursday when i took my "before" pictures. i looked at them and literally gasped. i asked case, "did you know i look like that?? i didn't know i look like that... really, do i look like that?"

and then i cried. hard and long. because this body doesn't accurately represent who i am. and all of the unwanted misjudgments and advice and self-consciousness seemed more deserved than i had ever imagined.

i had no idea how big i am.

so when i saw it there in all 360 degrees, i think all my mental strength collapsed. and i wanted the fat gone, and gone fast. so i rushed off to the doc to get some kind of metabolic booster.

seriously people, i am so sick of being fat. i hate it.

anyways, the new route to success is some herbal life supplements, of course with continued diet and exercise. i'll post my work-out routines on the sidebar, and my "yesterday's food" food log too.

and my apologies that this was definitely a "downer" post. if you've ever been fat, you understand.

(side note: this is not spurred on by, nor directed towards, anyone in particular. or even a response to any comment[s] in particular. just me venting.)

what i'm making this weekend

so saturdays are my free days, meaning i can eat whatever i want, and i have this weird mindset that i have to eat junk on saturday. like, i avoid fruits, protein drinks, etc. cause i think, "oh my gosh, it's my day for sugar... EAT IT!!"

ridiculous, eh.

and i realized this last weekend as i was craving a nectarine and some carrots and kept saying to myself, "no, no. think of something else. something i CAN'T eat sun - fri." .duh.

so this weekend: sugar. yes. still a tad healthier than other forms of sugar? yes.

i bring you chocolate avocado cake with avocado-citrus buttercream frosting (found here).

the CAKE

3 C. all-purpose flour

6 tbsp. unsweetened cocoa poweder

1/2 tsp. salt

2 tsp. baking powder

2 tsp. baking soda

2 cups. granulated sugar

1/4 C. vegetable oil (almond oil recommended)

1/2 C. soft avocado, well mashed (about 1 medium)

2 C. milk

2 tbsp. white vinegar

2 tsp vanilla extract

- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour two 8 or 9 inch rounds. Set aside.

- Sift together all the dry ingredient EXCEPT sugar. Set that aside too.

- Mix all the wet ingredients together in a bowl, including the super mashed avocado.

- Add sugar into the WET mix and stir.

- Mix the wet with the dry all at once, and beat with a whisk (by hand) until smooth.

- Pour batter into greased cake tins. Bake for 30-40 minutes.

- Let cool before frosting with avocado citrus frosting.

the FROSTING

8 oz. avocado meat (about 2 small to medium, very ripe avocados)

2 tsp. lemon juice

1 pound powdered sugar, sifted

1/2 tsp. vanilla extract.

- Peel and pit the ripest avocados you can get your hands on.

- Whisk avocado meat and lemon juice with an electric mixer (whisk attachment, not beater) for 2-3 minutes, until slightly lightened in color.

- Add the powdered sugar a little at a time and beat. Add vanilla extract until combined. If not using right away, store in the fridge.

or if you're feeling extra chocolately, try the avocado chocolate mousse as your frosting (found here):

4 ripe avocados

1 C. of sweetener

1 tbsp. vanilla extract

1 C. cocoa powder

- After scooping and pitting avocado, place in a food processor or blender.

- Add the sweetener, vanilla, and cocoa. Blend/process until fully blended. Mixture should be smooth and the color of chocolate.

- Can be served instantly, but it is recommended to cool it in fridge for at least an hour. Good with strawberries, raspberries, bananas, and pineapple.

can you tell i l o v e me some avocados!?!?!

enjoy your free weekends, people!!

LISTEN UP FOLKS!!

every MON and WED night from 7-8 pm

hau'ula elementary by the playground

free aerobics class!

20 min. aerobics, 20 min. kickboxing, 20 minutes strength training.

all for F R E E !!!

yes, seriously.

i went to the dr. and the dr. said ...

so, i've been working with my primary care physician with this whole losing weight thing. i hadn't seen her since i think early july or something, so last friday i thought i'd go in and update her (oh, and i wanted some phentermine...)

my appt. was set for 2. i showed up early, they let me in quick, i was thinking, "sweet! i've never been in and out of here in less than an hour... this rocks!"

and then i had bountious time to read an entire magazine (true story) sitting in the exam room. oh well.

so she comes in. first she wants to check my birth control (implanon) and asks how my periods are doing. i blah blah my way through it because, remember, i was there for weight loss. but thanks for checking...

then i brief her: "interval walking program, diet plan, really motivated, keeping a food log, awesome friend is helping me, trying to get my calories up to 1200 because right now they average around 700 a day. i want phentermine." that's basically how it went down. i just vomited all that info. out in 30 seconds flat and then sat and stared and waited for ... what? for something... i don't know. praise? "GOOD JOB FOR WALKING EVERYDAY!!" or "WAY TO STICK TO A DIET!!" or "GEE, 700 CALORIES IS MIGHTY LOW THERE KIDDO." or "DAMN YOU'RE DOING FANTASTIC!! SIGN ME UP!"

yah, not so much.

"why would you want to increase your calories if you're trying to lose weight?"

"um, because i only average 700 a day... that's ... kinda ... um ... kinda low ...."

"oh... well, ok. and walking? what's you're heart rate when you're walking? how long do you walk for? walking really isn't going to do anything for you."

"it's speed walking... intervals ... interval training is better... burns more fat. sometimes i jog a little, but mostly walking... it's really fast walking.... fast."

"heartrate?"

"oh, i don't have a monitor. but i can buy one... my heart rate gets up there pretty fast pretty easily."

"and for how long? cause if your heart rate isn't in the cardiovascular zone for more than 40 minutes, you're walking isn't doing anything."

*crickets chirping*

tears welling up

"o. k. so i need to add more exercise. i can do that!" (side note: and i have)

"and eat less."

"less than 700 calories?!?!"

"eat less. exercise more. it's all about calories in, calories out."

here she drew a picture of a cup, or a tube, with arrows pointing in and arrows pointing out, in case i didn't understand.

"so my net caloric intake should be negative??"

"way negative. not including your base caloric output. (what it takes to pump your blood, get air through your body, keep your brain functioning, etc. it's you're weight time 10. that's what the typical person should eat to maintain their current weight ...) what you eat should be less than what you burn doing exercise."

"so if i do an hour walk, say that burns 450 calories. i should only consume 300?"

"well, i don't know the numbers..."

"what about all of the research about low caloric intake causing all sorts of problems?"

"that's not science. gastric bypass patients, basically they have caloric restriction. they might not have the energy to get off the couch, but they're losing weight."

silence. long, awkward silence.

"can i have the medicine?"

"no. your insurance wouldn't cover it anyways because you have low blood pressure, low cholesterol, and low sugar. you're not a health risk."

"but i'm obese!"

"but you're a healthy obese person."

and that was that. i left. no phentermine. feeling like my sore muscles and increased walking speed were unworthy of this butt munch's praise. i cried. a lot. for a long time.

and then i decided i'm going to get a new doctor, and then go work my hind parts off for the next year. and then next fall i'll go back to dr. butt munch for her to check my birth control, and tell her,

"oh i just increased my calories and took some phentermine. worked like a charm."

long legs ...

i don't have them.

yo ho, yo ho, no more ho ho's!

haha, i seriously just made that up all by myself.

just now.

on the spot.

pwah ha ha!!

ok, so it wasn't that funny. but seriously, y'all, i rock. i've been doing my interval walking program with some strength training for a week now. and eating crazy healthy. i'm supposed to be eating 1700 calories a day and i do good to break 1000, so i'm working on that - trying to eat more.

did you know i can speed walk !!?! no seriously, i shocked myself. i went without the girls today and twisted my toosh and swung my arms and i was seriously walking SO FAST! if you ever wanna see it stake-out a spot on Pu'uowa'a St. on Thursday morning between 7-9. i'll be shakin' my thang.

um, i'm sore. that's good. i'm motivated. that's good. and this time next year, i'll be 80 pounds lighter. that's good.

15 cents

15 cents is the approximate cost of an egg. i guess you could say the egg is about half yolk and half whites. sounds fair, eh. so, when i choose to toss the yellow part to say sayonara to my jiggles, it's really only 7 cents.

and that was just one of the valuable lessons i learned today.

you seen biggest loser? yah, me neither. BUT i know the name jillian michaels. you know, this chic:

intense, eh. she helps fat people be not-so-fat.

this, folks, is my own personal jillian michaels:

she's matti parker. (and yes, that's HER baby she's holding with her ripped arms, flat abs, and deliciously lean thighs)

she's basically stepped in and decided to be my personal trainer, dietician, etc. and with her help, i know i'm going to get this thing done. for real.

so, right now i'm doing a 6 week walking plan, and she tells me what i'm allowed to eat. and i get free saturdays. my goal is to start P90X after the 6 wk. walking program.

basically i was just in tears that somewhere cares enough to help me. no really, i was making a quesadilla for the girls with salty tear seasoning as she and i were texting back and forth. cause i've gone to doctors, yes plural, and asked for helped and it's gotten nowhere ... food log after food log. i went to a local gym where they say they'll set you up with a nutritionist and get you an exercise plan ... nothing. i've tried this thing at least half-a-dozen times now.

and this time, it's going to work.

so i'll post pictures ... later. after i don't look like the pictures anymore.

seriously, whoa people. you don't want to see what's under this Tshirt.

and i'll keep y'all updated.

I'M SO F R E A K I N G EXCITED!!!