in a previous post i had even commented that i didn't think the risks of phentermine were worth it. and, well, i guess i've gotten desperate. desperate enough that i was willing to take that risk to lose the weight.
obesity is not just a physical illness, it's mentally draining. i feel judged, misunderstood, unwanted. i honestly think i've lost friends because of my weight. you say, "crappy friends." i say, "who wants to hang out with the fat chic?" i feel like i'm judged at face value a lot, unavoidably so. like people assume i eat burgers and chips and ice cream all day, and give me advice like "try eating more fruits and vegetables" or "brown rice is healthier than white rice", which is always well-intended, but carries behind it the assumption that i'm currently not eating fruits and vegetables or didn't know that gorging myself with sticky rice might be a bad thing. or how when people are doing a physical activity like hiking, biking, or whatever, we're usually not invited. and that makes sense to me; we don't look like the type of people that do that stuff ... but we do do that stuff. or like when my dr. said, "you use butter, right. try using olive oil instead of butter."
yah, thanks. i don't use butter...
i think the tipping point was last thursday when i took my "before" pictures. i looked at them and literally gasped. i asked case, "did you know i look like that?? i didn't know i look like that... really, do i look like that?"
and then i cried. hard and long. because this body doesn't accurately represent who i am. and all of the unwanted misjudgments and advice and self-consciousness seemed more deserved than i had ever imagined.
i had no idea how big i am.
so when i saw it there in all 360 degrees, i think all my mental strength collapsed. and i wanted the fat gone, and gone fast. so i rushed off to the doc to get some kind of metabolic booster.
seriously people, i am so sick of being fat. i hate it.
anyways, the new route to success is some herbal life supplements, of course with continued diet and exercise. i'll post my work-out routines on the sidebar, and my "yesterday's food" food log too.
and my apologies that this was definitely a "downer" post. if you've ever been fat, you understand.
(side note: this is not spurred on by, nor directed towards, anyone in particular. or even a response to any comment[s] in particular. just me venting.)
6 comments:
I am glad you decided to make this public. I know we have all struggled with our weight and how we look at some point. I even have friends that are SO SKINNY that hate how they look and are trying to gain weight. It is crzy.
BTW--I think you are BEAUTIFUL! and I mean it. You have a unique style and you are a hot mom!! I always looked forward to seeing what you were wearing and what you had done new with your hair.
Good luck with your weight loss...YOU WILL SUCCEED!! that is just who you are.
Don't forget Steff, Rome wasn't built in a day. It'll take time and time is good with weight loss. I'm sorry you had a down day. Those are NEVER fun! Keep doing what you're doing and I know you'll see improvements soon! LOVE YOU!!
Awesome job on your food yesterday. 1400..that's what I like to see! I have a hard time with veggies too, but I just try to pile as many as I can on my plate at dinner. We all have our down days, it is true. You are doing awesome, and I am so impressed with your determination. It honestly keeps me motivated, so keep it up.
Like I said, you really are doing awesome with your workouts. Have you tried the P90X stretch video yet? I love that one. You may want to try that out a little here and there on Thursday or sunday. You are working out really hard so I know your body will appreciate the stretch. And stretched and flexible muscles will allow you to work harder during your workouts (increased range of motion) meaning you will burn more calories. ;-) A win win basically.
i understand. i took the p90x pictures.... and for me i think i gave me the opposite effect. i was so disgusted about how i really truly looked in a bikini that i used to look ok-ish in that i stopped doing anything... true i got sick... but i am not anymore and i am unmotivated and a little sad.
your blog really helps me. i think i need to just get with it already! so thanks!
I had that moment of clarity too, it SUCKS! I can understand how frustrating it is and how emotionally draing it is to be fat. You are doing the right thing though, and I am proud of you for doing it even though it's going to be a long road. I still think you are beautiful and I have always thought you were SO fun tohang with....I understand though, you will get there!
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