this time it will work

so...

it starts today. i'm eating 1200 calories a day for now... i'll adjust it as needed.

i start taking phentermine tomorrow. think what you will, some people need help fighting the battle of the bulge. and i am some people.

and we start p90x today. it's gonna be a "light" version because of my blasted ankle. but something is better than nothing. we're gonna keep doing our family bike rides and i have a goal to get outside more.

fat is embarrassing. so the sad truth is i prefer to not leave the comfort of my front door. i don't have, nor do i want to purchase, clothes that fit. i'm self-conscious of what people think. i judge myself through their eyes and label myself accordingly, and then decide to not invite myself to any future social functions. bleh... depressing little truths of being obese.

i'm gonna keep a "foods i ate/ calorie log" on the sidebar like i tried once before. i like doing that. i feel like the calorie counting thing is something i OWN. seriously, so on top of that one. when i was talking to my doc about it i said, "c'mon, give me a limit. i swear i can do it."

she was skeptical.

she kept looking at me and the belly of mine that was flopped over my zipper.

"i've eaten less than a 1000 a day before... so shoot. give me your best shot!"

"1200."

"1200 it is."

cause seriously, i can count, and i can sacrifice. and i can eat nothing but boiled eggs and celery sticks if i have to.

so my goal, cause goals are important. i want to lose 80-85 pounds in 6 months. i know... crazy. but that's what i'm going to do. because i want to have another baby. and i need to be healthy before i start out on that.

my christmas present to myself: be healthy enough to get pregnant.