m o t i v a t i o n

i'm obviously having a bit of struggle in the motivation department. i don't know why my weight isn't more pressing in the forefront of my mind!? like i said before, part of me doesn't realize how large and in charge i am, and that part is the dominant part.

so i've been trying to think of ways to stay motivated, and here's what i was thinking. i think i'm going to do a 90 day, (12 wk) weight loss stint. and the goal will be to blog a bit daily, and to post a pic daily.

you might have noticed the picture-less nature of this blog, well any of my blogs, actually. you'll be hard pressed to find a full-body version of myself.

but here's to accountability: starting may 3 (that's next monday) i'm going to do a daily update post with a picture of me in my skivvies. (is that how you spell skivvies?) seriously, how incredibly humiliating ... i know. but i need to do something, so i figure i'll try this and see if it works.

and "why not start it tomorrow?" you might wonder. well, it's gonna take the 5 days between now and then for me to work up the courage to show you wonderful people what i look like (eek!). that's why.

so enjoy your weekend, because monday i'm giving you the motivation to never ever eat cake again.

POST EDIT: whoa, sorry for the completely anti-climactic nature of this post. yah, a pic was NEVER posted. probably won't be for a long while ...

what bandwagon?

private blog, right? so, here's a little known secret: we are actively house hunting. quite actively. we look at 2-3 houses a week.

and we found the perfect house. in kailua. (yep, that there's a link) just a block from kailua town. a mile from kailua beach. detached 2 car garage for casey's woodshop. 3 bed 3 bath. plus a studio behind the garage that we could rent out. fenced in yard. space for the kiddos to run and play. space to park 3-4 vehicles ... PERFECT!

and we love it. i fell in love with it. a lot.

so after we realized it is highly unlikely for us to actually get said house, i bawled. i know, nuts. but i did. i cried practically the whole drive home from kailua to hau'ula. like the shaking body, i-don't-want-to-look-at-another-house-ever-again kind of cry.

then i went to foodland and bought a box of swiss cake rolls (which, by the way, i haven't eaten in seriously  y e a r s). by the end of my emotional soothing 2 were left.

i can't tell you how PUMPED i was to write that episode on the food log ...

week 1: in review

I ROCKED IT for the first two days. 

during tuesday's yoga i totally pulled  a neck/back muscle. pain. irritating. hurt to look down and to lean my head to the right. and to use the right arm. 

stupid stef didn't stretch enough. duh.

so, let's be honest. i went on what was intended to be a rigorous hour long walk wednesday, because that involves no neck/back muscles. um, i made it around the block 1 3/4 times and met a neighbor who then invited me to dinner which was pizza, and she just kept putting more and more and more on my plate. i mean, what was i supposed to do? refuse it? of course not. that would make me a haole. i ate it.

and the ice cream afterwards.

so, maybe i had pizza for dinner three times this week. 

at least i wrote it down in my little food book so i can show it to the doctor next month and she can say, "see right there [gesturing towards the 600 calories of all-food-groups-mixed-into-one, not-so-italian meal of tastiness]? that's why you're fat."

and then thursday i counted my rigorous floor scrubbing as my work out. friday ... um, i chased addi up and down the beach a couple times. that works, right? 

no?

oh, so that's why i'm fat, too.

better luck next week, eh?

(this is where you say, "there is no next week, fatty!"

and i laugh while my belly jiggles - the envy of every polyester-bearded, rouge-enhanced mall santa.)

yesterday ...

i went to the dr. 

humbled.

said i needed help because i'm fat and i don't want to be.

she was nice. there was a med student there doing his rotations, so i had the happy opportunity of telling 4 people why i was at the dr.

the receptionist

the nurse

the med student

the dr.

awesome. bring on the humility. gobs and gobs of it.

"so what are you in for today {glance at chart} stefani (said like gwen stefani, not stephanie. thanks mom.)?"

"i'm fat and i need help losing weight."

{crickets chirping}

"oh. ok. well, let's get started!"

(FACT: only skinny people can be that cheery when talking about weight loss.)

ok, so it wasn't really that bad. really. and i like the doc. STORY: i think the best part was when the med student was checking my thyroid by feeling my throat as i swallowed and then addi rubbed my belly and said (quite loudly), "baby. momma baby ... gentle." (i'm seriously laughing SO hard typing this. it was SO embarrasing and SO funny.) at least she didn't kiss my currently vacant mid-section!

anyways, so i went for two reasons. #1. i was hoping maybe there was some sort of thyroid problem or hormonal imbalance or something going on that could explain (read: excuse) my large self and my inability for the past two years plus to make my large self small. #2. i wanted drugs. c'mon, we all know that phentermine works, right ... have you seen those people?? they lose weight. they have increased energy. their metabolism skyrockets to mt. everest. huh? oh, what was that? serious side effects? oh you mean the heart problems (read: failure, aka attack), possible stroke, irritability, jittery muscle movement etc. etc. yah, i guess i'm not into that risk/benefit relationship ... 

SO ... it looks like i'm normal, so i'm just fat because i like sugar. that's swell. AND there is no miracle cure for obesity. diet and exercise. pah. like i haven't heard/tried/done/failed that before.

so, life is what it is. and so far i'm day 3 into the crusade. i'm crazy sore from squats and lunges and kicks and push-ups etc., so i walk funny and can't quite reach like normal. that's good! and i'm hungry. that's good too. and i feel guilty when i eat anything with sugar ... i guess that's good.

and, well, that's all for now. i leave you with a pic found here ...

gratitude: 

because it could be me.

(only i'd never wear a tube top, strapless-halter, polka dot number)

today ...

i did it!

yes. i rock. 

i know.

apologies and goals and request, OH MY!

yah i know, the blog that died, right? the truth is, nothing has changed so i have nothing to say to you folks. i still don't exercise ... blame the weather. i still eat the same as i did ... blame the weather (HA!) and i'm still the same size as i was. 

sometimes because this blog is private i think i can tell secrets on it, like why it's so hard for me to be fat: the real story (maybe one day). or how i'm embarrassed and self-conscious around my thin and shapely friends. or how i really really really don't want to get pregnant again until i lose nearly 80 pounds ... HOLY CRAP THAT'S A LOT OF WEIGHT!

seriously folks, i realize it's not all too upbeat around here. i mean, not that i want to be all wah-wah, but i want to be real. you know what i mean? this little part of myself, the physical section of stef, isn't exactly all smiles and sunshine. when i crack the 150 or 145 mark, maybe i'll be all smiles and sunshine. (it's crazy that 145-150 is even a goal for me!! that's BIG for me!) and for now, today was another day where i was a stressed out momma and ate frosted flakes to make up for it. awesome. at least it wasn't ding dongs and ho hos, eh!

BUT, that said, i think for now i'm going to embrace my fatness. you see, i never really went shopping for this size. EVER. yah, and i've been big for how long?? 2 1/2 years!! i would buy maternity stuff when i was pregnant with gwen. and i've gotten a couple tops here and there, but pants ... yep, still wear my maternity pants. shirts ... they're not me. you know what i mean? i don't really have any clothes that fit that are my style. 

so tomorrow, part of my agenda is to get some clothes that are me. it's kind of a weird thing to do. i feel like the style i was doesn't fit the body i am. i always wore tiny vintage graphic Ts. and really now, this waistline isn't ready for a tiny anything.  i've seen large-and-in-charge teens sportin' the style i like and i just think "why? did you not see your love handles this morning? can you not see that Mr. Bubbles is misshapen from your cuddles of belly? do you really think skinny jeans were made for people like us?" but seriously, more power to them! they're comfortable in their body! so maybe i'm secretly jealous that they can comfortably wear what i want to wear. yep, that's it. 

and another thing (whew this is getting to be lengthy nonsense) ... my head doesn't get it! the brain part of my head. some days i completely forget i'm fat! completely! i don't feel fat, necessarily. i kind of feel like i'm wearing a bodysuit. and when i look in the mirror sometimes i seriously don't realize that's me looking back, or that that's my body that i'm looking at. it's like i think it's temporary and will just fall of when such-and-such thing happens (have the baby, stop nursing, start running, cut out sweets ... viola IT'S GONE) ... but then i'll have a moment that will make me remember. i can't think of one to use as an example, or maybe i just don't want to share the one i thought of because i'm not ready to be that real.

anyways, i really REALLY want this to work, and i really really need help. i don't know what to do. i thought i did. i tried it a while back ... almost a year ago now. i know it's kind of the lazy way but sometimes i wish i had someone to plan the meals, make the work-out schedule, work me until i want to punch them in the face (and watch the girls while they're doing it so i could focus), and just hover over me and guide me through every little babystep of my day. 

*sigh* 

but in the absence of a personal trainer, here are my current goals:

for the week of april 13-19:

• wake up with casey at 5:30 and workout before girls wake-up (i'm a morning person. working-out at night is NEVER going to happen). i'll be doing p90x videos cause it's all i have, and i'm cheap, so i probably won't be buying any others. they were stinkin expensive so i'm gonna use them!
  
• if i want a treat i have to eat it before 12 noon and only on m-w-f, and weekends are free. (frosted flakes and other sugary cereal goodness are considered treats. basically anything with sugar, including beverages  ... eventually i want to work-up to treats only on weekends.)
• drink more water

you can betcha i was sucking in ...

that's it for now, and i'll report back throughout the week and let you know how it goes.

i was talking to matti the other day and was telling her that what i need is hard love. i want someone to say, "stef, you're fat. and you could be way pretty if you weren't fat. but if you don't {insert whatever it is i need to do} , you're gonna stay fat." does that make sense? that's what works for me ... the whole, "you'll do better next time" philosophy just tells me, "oh, there's a next time ... why work my butt off this time if i can just try harder next time?" i like it real. i'm not saying i'm not pretty now. i do feel beautiful. i'm saying i'm a lot prettier. i was a hottie back in the day ... not being boastful or anything, but i was. and case deserves the hot woman he married. i deserve her. the girls deserve her. 

so, i invite you to be my personal trainers ... i check blog comments with ferocity. they come right to my iphone. so if someone comments randomly and says, "hey stef, you're being a loser if you're doing fatty stuff today ..." or "there is no next time" or other harsh things like that, those are seriously HUGE motivators for me. you can do it anonymously if harshness doesn't sit well with you ... since it's private it's not a big deal 'cause there's only 9 of you on here anyways, so i know it's a friend showin' the love.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, please help me ... i'm done being a lane bryant poster child.

as a post script: i'm not so good talking about it in a "real" way in person, so i might deflect your words of encouragement and motivation when we're face to face. i kinda brush it off and act like it's not biggie in person, but me being a biggie is a biggie. so know i really really appreciate your help!!