boiling point

ok, so this is it. i'm 27. 28 is my favorite number... i'll be 28 in july. i've been looking forward to this birthday for 2 decades, and i'll be damned if i'm gonna spend it self-conscious and embarrased about my saggy stomach and dimply thighs.

i'm going to do something that never occurred to me before. you know the phrase "a watched pot never boils". well, maybe it doesn't. i'm focusing all my energies and efforts on losing weight. my goal is to lose weight. so then when i work and work and work and don't lose weight, i stop working. that's what happens time and time again. so, i'm going to stop "watching my pot". my goal is no longer to lose weight. my goal is to be a finisher in the honolulu marathon in dec. 2010.

my mini-goals are a 5k in the spring, a 10k in summer, a 1/2 marathon in fall, and then the marathon in dec.

i feel good about this. it makes sense to me. it's a long term motivator. i can do this.

YO, I'M BACK!

so we moved, and now we're pretty settled, and i'm ready to stop being fat again.

you with me?

sweet tooth - EDIT for CREDIT

so dieting really isn't too difficult for me. we don't keep snacks around the house anyways. but every once in a while i really want some sugar.

here's the solution...

1) preheat oven to 200 degrees fahrenheit

2) line a 9 x 9 pan with some foil

3) take a banana

4) cut in half lengthwise, like so ...

photo credit and more recipes

5) sprinkle with cinnamon

6) drizzle lightly with olive oil

7) bake for 10 minutes and enjoy!

serioulsy people.

d e l i c i o u s

all natural

so i stepped up my working out last week, and then stepped it up again this week.

last week i added M & W aerobics/kickboxing classes and more strength training, which is about an additional hour on top of the hour i was already doing.

then this week i added a M-F class, i don't really know what to call it. let's call it crazy intense, because it is. that's another hour. so M &W i work-out 3 hrs, 2 hrs. all other weekdays, and 1 hr. on saturday.

also this week i started taking a supplement recommended by friends to boost my metabolism. "all-natural". well-known. i know people who have taken it and it was really effective and helpful for them. basically it's a bunch of caffeine, in my opinion, whether in the form of taurine, or guarana, or black tea, or simply "caffeine", but i decided to give it a whirl.

so i took said supplement 1 of the 3 times i was supposed to on monday, then did my walking (7 am), aerobics and strength training (7 pm), and crazy intense (9 pm) workouts that day. tuesday i took 2 of the 3 supplements and did my walking and crazy intense. wednesday (yesterday) i took all 3 of the 3 daily supplements, did my walking, aerobics/strength training ... and then my stomach was cramping so bad that i couldn't go to the crazy intense one last night. let's just say the bathroom and i were way tight. seriously... i didn't feel well.

and today i feel like i'm still recovering. kinda tired and sluggish feeling. just blah.

so i was thinking is it too much working out? is it the supplements? (which are well-known to be pretty healthy, and like i said, "all-natural", etc. etc.) am i not eating enough for the amount of working out i'm doing? did i drink too much water? (i forgot to mention i also significantly increased my water intake this week...)

and i decided it's simply the supplements. caffeine and i have never been the best of friends. and i think that taking 3 coffee cups worth of caffeine on a regular basis is not going to react well with anyone's body really, but especially not with mine. hence the crazy, aching tummy and rekindling of mine and the toilet's relationship.

i swear this post has a point. and here it is:

are there "quick fixes" to weight loss? yah, i think there are. there are pills, surgeries, suctions (i guess that's surgery), insane fad diets, supplements, etc. but they all have repercussions. and it seems that in the end the pay-off wouldn't be quite as rewarding, because when all is said and done you're left wondering what you could've done just with you, your body, your diet, your exercise, your will power... just you. at least that's what i would be thinking.

so, i have made a definitive decision to not use any weight loss "aids". no matter how "all-natural", or well known, or effective, or whatever they are. it's just me and my fat from here on out, and we're going to battle it out to the death.

and i'm going to win.

a couple of my favorite recipes

oatcakes

4 egg whites

1/2 C. oats

1/2 tsp. vanilla

dash of cinnamon

for extra flavor, thinly slice a banana and cook it in the cakes.

i usually top it with an unsweetened fruit puree... just blend up a nice ripe nectarine or something.

150 calories w/o banana

200 with

cottage cheese and tomato

1/2 C. cottage cheese

1 tomato cut in chunks

lightly salt and pepper

135 calories

your assistance please...

so i just learned about a program called ko'olau loa's biggest loser

i want to join.

they want me to find 25 sponsors.

each sponsor donates $10 per month for 6 months and become my support group.

it starts this week. i go for my weigh-in, body-fat test, and cardio test tonight.

will you please be one of my sponsors??

update: not doing the competition, but found a way to still attend the workouts.

avocado baked goods

cake: D E L I C I O U S !!

frosting: not so much.

seriously way too sweet ... thought i was gonna puke.

but the cake with a regular buttercream frosting would be superb.

but then again, why in the world would you use a $6/lb. avocado in a cake??

let's just chalk this one down as a fun experience.

on phentermine...

just thought i should say i was well aware of the risks associated with taking an amphetamine, and usually i'm not into taking scrips or OTC or any chemical body-fixers, really...

in a previous post i had even commented that i didn't think the risks of phentermine were worth it. and, well, i guess i've gotten desperate. desperate enough that i was willing to take that risk to lose the weight.

obesity is not just a physical illness, it's mentally draining. i feel judged, misunderstood, unwanted. i honestly think i've lost friends because of my weight. you say, "crappy friends." i say, "who wants to hang out with the fat chic?" i feel like i'm judged at face value a lot, unavoidably so. like people assume i eat burgers and chips and ice cream all day, and give me advice like "try eating more fruits and vegetables" or "brown rice is healthier than white rice", which is always well-intended, but carries behind it the assumption that i'm currently not eating fruits and vegetables or didn't know that gorging myself with sticky rice might be a bad thing. or how when people are doing a physical activity like hiking, biking, or whatever, we're usually not invited. and that makes sense to me; we don't look like the type of people that do that stuff ... but we do do that stuff. or like when my dr. said, "you use butter, right. try using olive oil instead of butter."

yah, thanks. i don't use butter...

i think the tipping point was last thursday when i took my "before" pictures. i looked at them and literally gasped. i asked case, "did you know i look like that?? i didn't know i look like that... really, do i look like that?"

and then i cried. hard and long. because this body doesn't accurately represent who i am. and all of the unwanted misjudgments and advice and self-consciousness seemed more deserved than i had ever imagined.

i had no idea how big i am.

so when i saw it there in all 360 degrees, i think all my mental strength collapsed. and i wanted the fat gone, and gone fast. so i rushed off to the doc to get some kind of metabolic booster.

seriously people, i am so sick of being fat. i hate it.

anyways, the new route to success is some herbal life supplements, of course with continued diet and exercise. i'll post my work-out routines on the sidebar, and my "yesterday's food" food log too.

and my apologies that this was definitely a "downer" post. if you've ever been fat, you understand.

(side note: this is not spurred on by, nor directed towards, anyone in particular. or even a response to any comment[s] in particular. just me venting.)

what i'm making this weekend

so saturdays are my free days, meaning i can eat whatever i want, and i have this weird mindset that i have to eat junk on saturday. like, i avoid fruits, protein drinks, etc. cause i think, "oh my gosh, it's my day for sugar... EAT IT!!"

ridiculous, eh.

and i realized this last weekend as i was craving a nectarine and some carrots and kept saying to myself, "no, no. think of something else. something i CAN'T eat sun - fri." .duh.

so this weekend: sugar. yes. still a tad healthier than other forms of sugar? yes.

i bring you chocolate avocado cake with avocado-citrus buttercream frosting (found here).

the CAKE

3 C. all-purpose flour

6 tbsp. unsweetened cocoa poweder

1/2 tsp. salt

2 tsp. baking powder

2 tsp. baking soda

2 cups. granulated sugar

1/4 C. vegetable oil (almond oil recommended)

1/2 C. soft avocado, well mashed (about 1 medium)

2 C. milk

2 tbsp. white vinegar

2 tsp vanilla extract

- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour two 8 or 9 inch rounds. Set aside.

- Sift together all the dry ingredient EXCEPT sugar. Set that aside too.

- Mix all the wet ingredients together in a bowl, including the super mashed avocado.

- Add sugar into the WET mix and stir.

- Mix the wet with the dry all at once, and beat with a whisk (by hand) until smooth.

- Pour batter into greased cake tins. Bake for 30-40 minutes.

- Let cool before frosting with avocado citrus frosting.

the FROSTING

8 oz. avocado meat (about 2 small to medium, very ripe avocados)

2 tsp. lemon juice

1 pound powdered sugar, sifted

1/2 tsp. vanilla extract.

- Peel and pit the ripest avocados you can get your hands on.

- Whisk avocado meat and lemon juice with an electric mixer (whisk attachment, not beater) for 2-3 minutes, until slightly lightened in color.

- Add the powdered sugar a little at a time and beat. Add vanilla extract until combined. If not using right away, store in the fridge.

or if you're feeling extra chocolately, try the avocado chocolate mousse as your frosting (found here):

4 ripe avocados

1 C. of sweetener

1 tbsp. vanilla extract

1 C. cocoa powder

- After scooping and pitting avocado, place in a food processor or blender.

- Add the sweetener, vanilla, and cocoa. Blend/process until fully blended. Mixture should be smooth and the color of chocolate.

- Can be served instantly, but it is recommended to cool it in fridge for at least an hour. Good with strawberries, raspberries, bananas, and pineapple.

can you tell i l o v e me some avocados!?!?!

enjoy your free weekends, people!!

LISTEN UP FOLKS!!

every MON and WED night from 7-8 pm

hau'ula elementary by the playground

free aerobics class!

20 min. aerobics, 20 min. kickboxing, 20 minutes strength training.

all for F R E E !!!

yes, seriously.

i went to the dr. and the dr. said ...

so, i've been working with my primary care physician with this whole losing weight thing. i hadn't seen her since i think early july or something, so last friday i thought i'd go in and update her (oh, and i wanted some phentermine...)

my appt. was set for 2. i showed up early, they let me in quick, i was thinking, "sweet! i've never been in and out of here in less than an hour... this rocks!"

and then i had bountious time to read an entire magazine (true story) sitting in the exam room. oh well.

so she comes in. first she wants to check my birth control (implanon) and asks how my periods are doing. i blah blah my way through it because, remember, i was there for weight loss. but thanks for checking...

then i brief her: "interval walking program, diet plan, really motivated, keeping a food log, awesome friend is helping me, trying to get my calories up to 1200 because right now they average around 700 a day. i want phentermine." that's basically how it went down. i just vomited all that info. out in 30 seconds flat and then sat and stared and waited for ... what? for something... i don't know. praise? "GOOD JOB FOR WALKING EVERYDAY!!" or "WAY TO STICK TO A DIET!!" or "GEE, 700 CALORIES IS MIGHTY LOW THERE KIDDO." or "DAMN YOU'RE DOING FANTASTIC!! SIGN ME UP!"

yah, not so much.

"why would you want to increase your calories if you're trying to lose weight?"

"um, because i only average 700 a day... that's ... kinda ... um ... kinda low ...."

"oh... well, ok. and walking? what's you're heart rate when you're walking? how long do you walk for? walking really isn't going to do anything for you."

"it's speed walking... intervals ... interval training is better... burns more fat. sometimes i jog a little, but mostly walking... it's really fast walking.... fast."

"heartrate?"

"oh, i don't have a monitor. but i can buy one... my heart rate gets up there pretty fast pretty easily."

"and for how long? cause if your heart rate isn't in the cardiovascular zone for more than 40 minutes, you're walking isn't doing anything."

*crickets chirping*

tears welling up

"o. k. so i need to add more exercise. i can do that!" (side note: and i have)

"and eat less."

"less than 700 calories?!?!"

"eat less. exercise more. it's all about calories in, calories out."

here she drew a picture of a cup, or a tube, with arrows pointing in and arrows pointing out, in case i didn't understand.

"so my net caloric intake should be negative??"

"way negative. not including your base caloric output. (what it takes to pump your blood, get air through your body, keep your brain functioning, etc. it's you're weight time 10. that's what the typical person should eat to maintain their current weight ...) what you eat should be less than what you burn doing exercise."

"so if i do an hour walk, say that burns 450 calories. i should only consume 300?"

"well, i don't know the numbers..."

"what about all of the research about low caloric intake causing all sorts of problems?"

"that's not science. gastric bypass patients, basically they have caloric restriction. they might not have the energy to get off the couch, but they're losing weight."

silence. long, awkward silence.

"can i have the medicine?"

"no. your insurance wouldn't cover it anyways because you have low blood pressure, low cholesterol, and low sugar. you're not a health risk."

"but i'm obese!"

"but you're a healthy obese person."

and that was that. i left. no phentermine. feeling like my sore muscles and increased walking speed were unworthy of this butt munch's praise. i cried. a lot. for a long time.

and then i decided i'm going to get a new doctor, and then go work my hind parts off for the next year. and then next fall i'll go back to dr. butt munch for her to check my birth control, and tell her,

"oh i just increased my calories and took some phentermine. worked like a charm."

long legs ...

i don't have them.

yo ho, yo ho, no more ho ho's!

haha, i seriously just made that up all by myself.

just now.

on the spot.

pwah ha ha!!

ok, so it wasn't that funny. but seriously, y'all, i rock. i've been doing my interval walking program with some strength training for a week now. and eating crazy healthy. i'm supposed to be eating 1700 calories a day and i do good to break 1000, so i'm working on that - trying to eat more.

did you know i can speed walk !!?! no seriously, i shocked myself. i went without the girls today and twisted my toosh and swung my arms and i was seriously walking SO FAST! if you ever wanna see it stake-out a spot on Pu'uowa'a St. on Thursday morning between 7-9. i'll be shakin' my thang.

um, i'm sore. that's good. i'm motivated. that's good. and this time next year, i'll be 80 pounds lighter. that's good.

15 cents

15 cents is the approximate cost of an egg. i guess you could say the egg is about half yolk and half whites. sounds fair, eh. so, when i choose to toss the yellow part to say sayonara to my jiggles, it's really only 7 cents.

and that was just one of the valuable lessons i learned today.

you seen biggest loser? yah, me neither. BUT i know the name jillian michaels. you know, this chic:

intense, eh. she helps fat people be not-so-fat.

this, folks, is my own personal jillian michaels:

she's matti parker. (and yes, that's HER baby she's holding with her ripped arms, flat abs, and deliciously lean thighs)

she's basically stepped in and decided to be my personal trainer, dietician, etc. and with her help, i know i'm going to get this thing done. for real.

so, right now i'm doing a 6 week walking plan, and she tells me what i'm allowed to eat. and i get free saturdays. my goal is to start P90X after the 6 wk. walking program.

basically i was just in tears that somewhere cares enough to help me. no really, i was making a quesadilla for the girls with salty tear seasoning as she and i were texting back and forth. cause i've gone to doctors, yes plural, and asked for helped and it's gotten nowhere ... food log after food log. i went to a local gym where they say they'll set you up with a nutritionist and get you an exercise plan ... nothing. i've tried this thing at least half-a-dozen times now.

and this time, it's going to work.

so i'll post pictures ... later. after i don't look like the pictures anymore.

seriously, whoa people. you don't want to see what's under this Tshirt.

and i'll keep y'all updated.

I'M SO F R E A K I N G EXCITED!!!

hey hey

so one of my friends did a post about doing something for ourselves. mom's don't do much for themselves. well, at least this mom doesn't. so i'm determined to live my life again. 

more music.

more photography.

less fat.

seriously. i deserve to take the time for myself to work out. my main problem is i'm a morning person. if i don't get it done in the morning, i probably won't get it done at all. and straight up honest, i hate working out with the girls there. i don't like running, which is about the only thing i can do with them. do my 2 ft. long legs look like a runners'? nope. i love working out. i love strength training, aerobics, swimming, sports, hiking, and i could see myself doing any of these things on a regular basis. 

but i really suck at finding babysitters. i hate asking people to watch my kids. i feel like it's the hugest burden ever. and i hate asking over and over. i'm already increasing my baby sitter asking with my photography and piano lessons (both of which are absolutely necessary seeing as how we're buying a house. we're ok w/o supplemental income, be we kinda go nutZo if we're not saving at least 10%, so i'm dedicated to helping us make that 10% to save... yada yada ... TMI)

babysitters. hate finding babysitters. hate asking for friends to babysit. everytime i do it it's seriously a nightmare. hate it. 

so that leaves me with running. or brisk walking i guess. so i guess that's what i need to do.

morning. walking. with the girls and an ipod. it's do-able. 

and yes, i'm still counting calories. but now i'm counting 1400 of them instead of 1000. today, i think i consumed all 1400 in frosted flakes alone ...

1000 calories

for the past month, monday thru friday, i've been keeping a food log and eating no more than 1000 calories. 

so when i went to doc monday (for the swine flue incident) you can imagine my dismay when i hadn't lost a single pound. 

not one.

walking

yesterday i went on a .65 mile walk/jog. uphill (for a little bit, at least). that's something ...

hi

still here. still fat. been a bit overly-consumed with trying to buy a house.

i'll be back eventually ... i'll post on the regular blog to let you know when you should start coming over here again.

thanks!

m o t i v a t i o n

i'm obviously having a bit of struggle in the motivation department. i don't know why my weight isn't more pressing in the forefront of my mind!? like i said before, part of me doesn't realize how large and in charge i am, and that part is the dominant part.

so i've been trying to think of ways to stay motivated, and here's what i was thinking. i think i'm going to do a 90 day, (12 wk) weight loss stint. and the goal will be to blog a bit daily, and to post a pic daily.

you might have noticed the picture-less nature of this blog, well any of my blogs, actually. you'll be hard pressed to find a full-body version of myself.

but here's to accountability: starting may 3 (that's next monday) i'm going to do a daily update post with a picture of me in my skivvies. (is that how you spell skivvies?) seriously, how incredibly humiliating ... i know. but i need to do something, so i figure i'll try this and see if it works.

and "why not start it tomorrow?" you might wonder. well, it's gonna take the 5 days between now and then for me to work up the courage to show you wonderful people what i look like (eek!). that's why.

so enjoy your weekend, because monday i'm giving you the motivation to never ever eat cake again.

POST EDIT: whoa, sorry for the completely anti-climactic nature of this post. yah, a pic was NEVER posted. probably won't be for a long while ...

what bandwagon?

private blog, right? so, here's a little known secret: we are actively house hunting. quite actively. we look at 2-3 houses a week.

and we found the perfect house. in kailua. (yep, that there's a link) just a block from kailua town. a mile from kailua beach. detached 2 car garage for casey's woodshop. 3 bed 3 bath. plus a studio behind the garage that we could rent out. fenced in yard. space for the kiddos to run and play. space to park 3-4 vehicles ... PERFECT!

and we love it. i fell in love with it. a lot.

so after we realized it is highly unlikely for us to actually get said house, i bawled. i know, nuts. but i did. i cried practically the whole drive home from kailua to hau'ula. like the shaking body, i-don't-want-to-look-at-another-house-ever-again kind of cry.

then i went to foodland and bought a box of swiss cake rolls (which, by the way, i haven't eaten in seriously  y e a r s). by the end of my emotional soothing 2 were left.

i can't tell you how PUMPED i was to write that episode on the food log ...

week 1: in review

I ROCKED IT for the first two days. 

during tuesday's yoga i totally pulled  a neck/back muscle. pain. irritating. hurt to look down and to lean my head to the right. and to use the right arm. 

stupid stef didn't stretch enough. duh.

so, let's be honest. i went on what was intended to be a rigorous hour long walk wednesday, because that involves no neck/back muscles. um, i made it around the block 1 3/4 times and met a neighbor who then invited me to dinner which was pizza, and she just kept putting more and more and more on my plate. i mean, what was i supposed to do? refuse it? of course not. that would make me a haole. i ate it.

and the ice cream afterwards.

so, maybe i had pizza for dinner three times this week. 

at least i wrote it down in my little food book so i can show it to the doctor next month and she can say, "see right there [gesturing towards the 600 calories of all-food-groups-mixed-into-one, not-so-italian meal of tastiness]? that's why you're fat."

and then thursday i counted my rigorous floor scrubbing as my work out. friday ... um, i chased addi up and down the beach a couple times. that works, right? 

no?

oh, so that's why i'm fat, too.

better luck next week, eh?

(this is where you say, "there is no next week, fatty!"

and i laugh while my belly jiggles - the envy of every polyester-bearded, rouge-enhanced mall santa.)

yesterday ...

i went to the dr. 

humbled.

said i needed help because i'm fat and i don't want to be.

she was nice. there was a med student there doing his rotations, so i had the happy opportunity of telling 4 people why i was at the dr.

the receptionist

the nurse

the med student

the dr.

awesome. bring on the humility. gobs and gobs of it.

"so what are you in for today {glance at chart} stefani (said like gwen stefani, not stephanie. thanks mom.)?"

"i'm fat and i need help losing weight."

{crickets chirping}

"oh. ok. well, let's get started!"

(FACT: only skinny people can be that cheery when talking about weight loss.)

ok, so it wasn't really that bad. really. and i like the doc. STORY: i think the best part was when the med student was checking my thyroid by feeling my throat as i swallowed and then addi rubbed my belly and said (quite loudly), "baby. momma baby ... gentle." (i'm seriously laughing SO hard typing this. it was SO embarrasing and SO funny.) at least she didn't kiss my currently vacant mid-section!

anyways, so i went for two reasons. #1. i was hoping maybe there was some sort of thyroid problem or hormonal imbalance or something going on that could explain (read: excuse) my large self and my inability for the past two years plus to make my large self small. #2. i wanted drugs. c'mon, we all know that phentermine works, right ... have you seen those people?? they lose weight. they have increased energy. their metabolism skyrockets to mt. everest. huh? oh, what was that? serious side effects? oh you mean the heart problems (read: failure, aka attack), possible stroke, irritability, jittery muscle movement etc. etc. yah, i guess i'm not into that risk/benefit relationship ... 

SO ... it looks like i'm normal, so i'm just fat because i like sugar. that's swell. AND there is no miracle cure for obesity. diet and exercise. pah. like i haven't heard/tried/done/failed that before.

so, life is what it is. and so far i'm day 3 into the crusade. i'm crazy sore from squats and lunges and kicks and push-ups etc., so i walk funny and can't quite reach like normal. that's good! and i'm hungry. that's good too. and i feel guilty when i eat anything with sugar ... i guess that's good.

and, well, that's all for now. i leave you with a pic found here ...

gratitude: 

because it could be me.

(only i'd never wear a tube top, strapless-halter, polka dot number)

today ...

i did it!

yes. i rock. 

i know.

apologies and goals and request, OH MY!

yah i know, the blog that died, right? the truth is, nothing has changed so i have nothing to say to you folks. i still don't exercise ... blame the weather. i still eat the same as i did ... blame the weather (HA!) and i'm still the same size as i was. 

sometimes because this blog is private i think i can tell secrets on it, like why it's so hard for me to be fat: the real story (maybe one day). or how i'm embarrassed and self-conscious around my thin and shapely friends. or how i really really really don't want to get pregnant again until i lose nearly 80 pounds ... HOLY CRAP THAT'S A LOT OF WEIGHT!

seriously folks, i realize it's not all too upbeat around here. i mean, not that i want to be all wah-wah, but i want to be real. you know what i mean? this little part of myself, the physical section of stef, isn't exactly all smiles and sunshine. when i crack the 150 or 145 mark, maybe i'll be all smiles and sunshine. (it's crazy that 145-150 is even a goal for me!! that's BIG for me!) and for now, today was another day where i was a stressed out momma and ate frosted flakes to make up for it. awesome. at least it wasn't ding dongs and ho hos, eh!

BUT, that said, i think for now i'm going to embrace my fatness. you see, i never really went shopping for this size. EVER. yah, and i've been big for how long?? 2 1/2 years!! i would buy maternity stuff when i was pregnant with gwen. and i've gotten a couple tops here and there, but pants ... yep, still wear my maternity pants. shirts ... they're not me. you know what i mean? i don't really have any clothes that fit that are my style. 

so tomorrow, part of my agenda is to get some clothes that are me. it's kind of a weird thing to do. i feel like the style i was doesn't fit the body i am. i always wore tiny vintage graphic Ts. and really now, this waistline isn't ready for a tiny anything.  i've seen large-and-in-charge teens sportin' the style i like and i just think "why? did you not see your love handles this morning? can you not see that Mr. Bubbles is misshapen from your cuddles of belly? do you really think skinny jeans were made for people like us?" but seriously, more power to them! they're comfortable in their body! so maybe i'm secretly jealous that they can comfortably wear what i want to wear. yep, that's it. 

and another thing (whew this is getting to be lengthy nonsense) ... my head doesn't get it! the brain part of my head. some days i completely forget i'm fat! completely! i don't feel fat, necessarily. i kind of feel like i'm wearing a bodysuit. and when i look in the mirror sometimes i seriously don't realize that's me looking back, or that that's my body that i'm looking at. it's like i think it's temporary and will just fall of when such-and-such thing happens (have the baby, stop nursing, start running, cut out sweets ... viola IT'S GONE) ... but then i'll have a moment that will make me remember. i can't think of one to use as an example, or maybe i just don't want to share the one i thought of because i'm not ready to be that real.

anyways, i really REALLY want this to work, and i really really need help. i don't know what to do. i thought i did. i tried it a while back ... almost a year ago now. i know it's kind of the lazy way but sometimes i wish i had someone to plan the meals, make the work-out schedule, work me until i want to punch them in the face (and watch the girls while they're doing it so i could focus), and just hover over me and guide me through every little babystep of my day. 

*sigh* 

but in the absence of a personal trainer, here are my current goals:

for the week of april 13-19:

• wake up with casey at 5:30 and workout before girls wake-up (i'm a morning person. working-out at night is NEVER going to happen). i'll be doing p90x videos cause it's all i have, and i'm cheap, so i probably won't be buying any others. they were stinkin expensive so i'm gonna use them!
  
• if i want a treat i have to eat it before 12 noon and only on m-w-f, and weekends are free. (frosted flakes and other sugary cereal goodness are considered treats. basically anything with sugar, including beverages  ... eventually i want to work-up to treats only on weekends.)
• drink more water

you can betcha i was sucking in ...

that's it for now, and i'll report back throughout the week and let you know how it goes.

i was talking to matti the other day and was telling her that what i need is hard love. i want someone to say, "stef, you're fat. and you could be way pretty if you weren't fat. but if you don't {insert whatever it is i need to do} , you're gonna stay fat." does that make sense? that's what works for me ... the whole, "you'll do better next time" philosophy just tells me, "oh, there's a next time ... why work my butt off this time if i can just try harder next time?" i like it real. i'm not saying i'm not pretty now. i do feel beautiful. i'm saying i'm a lot prettier. i was a hottie back in the day ... not being boastful or anything, but i was. and case deserves the hot woman he married. i deserve her. the girls deserve her. 

so, i invite you to be my personal trainers ... i check blog comments with ferocity. they come right to my iphone. so if someone comments randomly and says, "hey stef, you're being a loser if you're doing fatty stuff today ..." or "there is no next time" or other harsh things like that, those are seriously HUGE motivators for me. you can do it anonymously if harshness doesn't sit well with you ... since it's private it's not a big deal 'cause there's only 9 of you on here anyways, so i know it's a friend showin' the love.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, please help me ... i'm done being a lane bryant poster child.

as a post script: i'm not so good talking about it in a "real" way in person, so i might deflect your words of encouragement and motivation when we're face to face. i kinda brush it off and act like it's not biggie in person, but me being a biggie is a biggie. so know i really really appreciate your help!!

duh ...

i guess i should have thought a bit about my timing in starting my whole "eat healthy, exercise, stop being fat" campaign. i think 80% of the people i know were born in the months of march and april. 

births = cake.

lots and lots of cake. 

and cookies.

and burgers.

and cupcakes.

and treats.

all that stuff. 

not that i intend on cutting out sweets ... i planned on doing the weekend thing. but then yesterday was casey's birthday, and i may or may not have had two cupcakes plus a slice of cake. and a piece of pizza. 

dang it. 

it's all about the ratios

it's true, women. according to science, men of science, a waist to hip ratio (WHR) of .7 is good lookin'. audrey hepburn, marilyn monroe ... .7s. which means their waist circumference is 70% of the hip circumference. 

my WHR is indubitably not .7.  i could measure and see what it is, but i just don't think my tender emotions are ready for that. 

let's get real. i done went and got fat on myself.

i'm not happy being heavy.

it doesn't suit me. 

so here i go. inspired by a friend, and determined to be damn sexy again, i will eat food that doesn't taste as tasty as the food i'm currently eating, and do things that burn more calories than the things i am currently doing. 

here here!

and can i get an 'amen sista'. 

and maybe a 'woot woot', too.

welcome welcome

so, this blog is obviously private. if i invited you, consider yourself ... well, invited. that means i trust you to not judge me based on my weight, measurements, pics, not-always-perfect language, etc. i intend on being completed unedited in this blog. so if i'm feeling down, you'll hear it. if i'm feeling fat, you'll hear it. if i'm feeling proud, you'll hear it. unedited.

see, what this is all about is i'm fat. i'm technically obese. yep. i've never been "skinny", that's just not how my body is, but i've been pretty attractive if you ask me and the boys who wanted me (mwah ha ha!!) i want my confidence back. it packed up and left about 30 pounds ago. i want my clothing style back. they seriously don't make cute clothes for fat girls. i want to learn how to surf, and need to fit into a decent swimsuit before that can happen. i want my friends to know i'm not letting myself go. i want my kids to be able to hug my waist. i want my chin back, too. actually, just my whole face, please.

now there are a few things i want that i'll never get without a surgeon: small boobs. tight abs. i guess that's about it. well, maybe i can get tight abs ... i just don't see how all this saggy skin will ever snap back into place. 

oh, and we want to start trying for #3 this fall. and i absolutely cannot allow myself to get pregnant until i lose weight. seriously. it's not healthy. and it grosses me out. with gwen i was heavy and i could tell that people didn't really know if i was pregnant or just fat. and i kind of felt the same way as their faces looked. so not again.

i want to lose between 60-70 pounds. whoa, that's crazy! i weigh 195. that's how much i weighed when i went to the hospital to have addi. sick. i feel comfortable between 125-130. 

my weaknesses are sweets. i would say i eat nearly one treat a day, like 2-3 cookies, or a candy bar, or an extra bowl of cereal before bed. if sweets are there, i will eat them. all of them. my body doesn't get that if there is a plate of cookies, i don't have to eat every morsel. i can seriously eat a dozen cookies at once. yep. and cake. *drool* LOVE cake. not so much into ice cream, but the baked goods seriously call my name. LOVE 'EM folks. 

other than that i really eat pretty good: oats, eggs, turkey bacon occasionally (like once a month), lots of chicken, some steak and fish, lots of veggies: squash, broccoli, carrots, spinach, etc. etc. we eat out way too much, like 2-3 times a week, because i hate cooking. so that's a huge vice.

another one is water. i prefer flavored beverages to water. the taste of water makes me gag. but i'm getting to where i can choke it down pretty good.  but flavored drinks: juice, chocolate milk, soda at least once a week, that's something else i need to "downsize" in my life.

and exercising. seriously, i don't get how mom's have time to exercise. do . not . get . it. when? when do you do it? after they go to bed? before they wake up? during nap time? send them to a sitter? how do you make it work??? i would love to workout, but not at the expense of my children's happiness. i can do the dishes and let them scream, or vacuum ... any cleaning really, and i don't feel too guilty. but i just can't hack it for working out. their screaming wins.

so, there it is. most of it, anyway. i've laid it on the table.

so cheers to a less bumpy me.

unedited.